Warning: Interfaith humour that might not be everyone's cup of tea!
From Danny Katz in The Age of 20 January 2018
A man of all religions, that's what I try to be. Most of the time I'm a Hebrew fellow. I can't help it: I was born with a Semitic spirit, a passion for bagels, and a distinctive Jewish protuberance in the middle of my face, with another equally distinctive one that's nowhere near my face.
When I'm not being Hebrew, I like being Hindu. I enjoy listening to sitar ragas, I believe in the concept of karma, and I'm a big fan of that chubby blue elephant-God Ganesha, with his four to sixteen arms depending on your Hindu iconography. Personally I'm a four guy. Just looks tidier.
Now and then I dabble in a bit of Christianity. I take holidays off at Christmas, gorge on chocolate eggs at Easter, and yell out the name of Jesus while in the throes of uncontrollable passion. Usually sexual. Occasionally bagel.
At the moment I'm a Buddhist. Summer is the season when we fling open our windows to welcome in the outside world, which means we also welcome in every blowfly, mosquito, bee, and moth in the greater metropolitan area, up to the Zone 2 boundaries. And here's where my Buddhism kicks in: I refuse to cause suffering or death to any insect, just in case it's a reborn human soul. Maybe a deceased grandparent or aunty who decided to pop round for a nice little visit, land in my fruit bowl, vomit on the grapes, and suck up the dregs through their spongy mouthparts.
I've got an old plastic drinking cup with the words THE BHUDIST CUP written on the side in black marker ("Buddhist" is very hard to spell without a spell-checker). At the end of each day I go around the house and gently place THE BHUDIST CUP over window-trapped insects, then I carefully slide a thin piece of cardboard under the cup (THE BHUDIST CARDBOARD - an old postcard from my friend Dennis who lives in Shepperton). Now I carry the trapped insect outside, release it into the backyard, it buzzes out a grateful thank-you, then turns around and flies straight back into the house, and I start all over again. I find the repetition very meditative. Almost enlightening.
If bigger bugs get stuck in the house, dragonflies or huge huntsmen who are strong enough to lift the edge of the THE BHUDIST CUP with their furry legs then run up my arm and king-hit me, I have to trap them under THE BHUDIST SPAGHETTI COLANDER, then slide under THE BHUDIST COPY OF ROYAL AUTO, FEB 2016.
Sometimes I need to use many religions to free a trapped creature. Yesterday an actual bird flew into the house: it was extremely distressed, flapping around in a corner, so I had to go all-out. First I trapped the bird under THE BHUDIST "AUSTRALIAN-OPEN-TENNIS OFFICIAL BEACH-TOWEL".
Then I gently wrapped the towel around the bird like a Muslim burqa. Now I picked up the flapping bird in my arms, screaming, "Oh Jesus!… Jeeez! SOMEONE COME AND HELP ME!!!! JEEEEEEZ!" My son ran over and helped me carry the towelled bird outside with our four Ganesha arms. Then we set it free and I came back in and cleaned up all the bird crap on the floor with paper-towels and chemical cleaners as the Hebrews have done since they were slaves in Egypt. See? Lots of religions can work together to save the life of a poor little bird. There's an important message here. No idea what it is. But it's got to be something.
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